Friend Me

Most of us have seen the video of these two little friends running to hug each other.  It went viral on all the social media outlets.  It speaks volumes about how we've all felt at times during the past year and a half.  I know I sure missed hugs! 

Over the years and with the help of some great books and even a Ted Talk or two, I have figured out that I am an ambivert.  According to the thescienceofpeople.com, an ambivert is “someone who exhibits qualities of both introversion and extroversion and can flip into either depending on their mood, context, or situation.”  Ambiverts have also been called “outgoing introverts”. 

For a long time I defined myself as hardcore introvert.  I am so that person who recharges with quiet alone time.  True to characteristics of introversion, I despise walking into a gathering and becoming the center of attention (please no surprise parties).  I also really don’t enjoy making small talk with people I don’t know.  Texting or messaging is much more appealing to me than a phone conversation.  Classic introvert.  Except that I really do like being social.  I get restless if I’m at home day after day without people time.  Now if I am to be honest, I like to pick my people to be social with.  But certain people in certain situations definitely do recharge me as well.  My poor husband gets to try to sort if I am an introvert or an extrovert on any given day.  Sorry, Keith! 

Because I am who I am, I tend to have close friends that I love being social with.  The kind of friendship that I enjoy includes fun outings but also meaningful conversations.  I like to be able to let down any kind of guard and have friends that I can trust to still love me in my best and worst moments.  I have had my best friend since 7^th grade, and though we don’t live close or talk all the time, we can pick up where we left off in any given moment.  She is one of the first people I would turn to for encouragement, prayer support, a shoulder to cry on, or a good laugh. We have had a few pretty memorable experiences that my parents never needed to know about, but she told them. Thanks for that, Mishell. I have a few other very close friends who are a network of people that I love spending time with and my friendships with them are so easy and fulfilling.  Then I have some casual friends with whom I do lunch with or chat from time to time and it’s always fun to catch up. 

A new kind of friendship that I’ve come to value is people I get to know on social media because of a common interest and then through online side conversations and interactions, you learn who they are and find you have more in common than you ever expected.  I have friends in all parts of the world.  I love knowing what life is like where they are and it makes me want to visit the places they live and meet them in person.  Social media is a weird world and there are precautions to take, but there are some pretty great things about it, too. 

I feel incredibly blessed that I have always had friends over the years who are just the right people for the season of life that I am in.  My bestie and I will always be friends because we are like family.  We have been through a lifetime of stuff together.  But I feel that lifetime friendships are rare for a lot of us.  Some people work really hard to keep up friendships over the long haul.  I wish I could say I was good at that.  What I’ve come to understand is that most friends are for a season.  It’s not that you intentionally stop being friends, but that life carries you in different directions and you just drift apart.  Social media helps with keeping up with them but the close ties aren’t there any more, you just have a bunch of good memories. 

There isn’t anything more valuable in life to me than relationships.  Even my introvert-leaning-ambivert  self values spending time with people.  I think that’s how we are designed.  We need each other, whether it’s for a season or a lifetime.  Thank you to all my friends from all the stages of my life.  Part of who I am, I am because of you.  You are precious and valuable beyond what I can express.

A Time to Grieve

This is a post I’ve been putting off simply because it’s so personal and feels like being cut open and having your heart splayed out there for all to see. I’ve been fighting with myself about writing it. But what I’m feeling lead to do in this blog is to be real and brave and not afraid to talk about the journey each of us embarks on in this life. 

I have friends from different sectors of my life who are currently experiencing grief firsthand.  It’s bound to be a part of life unless we ourselves step out of turn and enter heaven before we know the deep loss of someone close to us. My life story is no better or worse than anyone else’s, but it’s mine. I share it because maybe somehow someone else can relate or find comfort in the journey I’ve been through. I don’t share it often because there’s really no way to accurately convey the depth of pain or the growth that came from it. People don’t know what to say when I tell it and it makes them uncomfortable, which makes me uncomfortable. And if I am to be honest, sometimes telling it is still a small stab in the heart. I don’t deny or diminish its impact, it’s just deeply personal.

I started learning about loss at a young age.  Growing up on a ranch, I learned to not get too attached to pets or farm critters because things happened to them. Death was as much a part of the cycle of life as life itself.  Losing people is harder. I lost four friends, peers, before I ever graduated high school.  I came to understand that no one is guaranteed tomorrow. No one. Ever. Three days after our second child was born, my dad’s closest brother and my only grandma died in the same week. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions as we rejoiced in this beautiful beginning of a new life and the ending of two others. I was so sad, but I understood that life has a start and a finish line for every single one of us. 

That beautiful new life, our sweet blond-haired, blue-eyed son, 17 months later suddenly became very ill, went into a coma and died two weeks later. Doctors believe it was a genetic metabolic screw up that is very rare, but happens. We knew nothing of what had been going on inside his little body until he became so sick that he couldn’t recover. It was not something compatible with longevity of life. Much of that two weeks in the hospital with our son is still a blur. What came after he passed was days, weeks, months of time that seemed unbearable at times. We had a four-year-old daughter who I was determined would not know the complete depth of our pain.  We celebrated her fourth birthday just days after our son left us. 

Grief is such a heavy burden to bear. It’s exhausting and the hardest work you will ever do. We want to quantify its depth and compare it to other’s losses just to find some meaning and perspective.  When people would say, “I know what you’re going through”, I wanted to scream, “No, you don’t!  You’ve never lost a child”. But the simple fact is that loss is loss and people feel all depths of it. Just recently I heard this quote and I nodded in agreement, “Grief is different for everyone and it’s different every time.” That is so, so true and we just need to give grace for any level of grief that someone else is experiencing.  It also doesn’t have a timeline or an end point. Loss of someone you love creates a hole in the heart that never totally gets filled.  It gets smaller, but it’s always there. I lost a dear friend about two years ago and am still struggling with how much I miss his presence in my life. 

Were I not a person of great faith, I don’t know how I would have moved past the magnitude of grief over the years. But I know absolutely that God is good and that we can’t begin to fathom what waits for us when we leave this earthly life. I’m grateful for every day that I had with those I’ve lost and I cling to the hope that it’s not the last time I will see them  If you’re in the midst of grieving someone right now, know that you are not alone. Know that time will help.  Know that you won’t get out of bed one day and magically suddenly feel better. But you WILL feel better. It will, eventually, become like an old friend that gives you comfort instead of pain.  Until then, take one moment at a time. I once described grief to a friend like this: “First there are bad days. Then there are bad days with good moments. Then there are good days with bad moments. Then there are good days with good memories.”  However long it takes is however long it takes. Allow yourself to feel it all. Then allow yourself to begin to move forward. Only you can decide what that looks like and for how long. But know that it does get easier and you can find joy again. My son taught me all about that. 

Renewing Your Passion

I’ve shared in a past post that for as long as I can remember, I’ve been a writer.  Words are something I’ve always felt at ease with and writing has long been an outlet for my right-brain creative bent.  I also like to draw and create things with paper or fabric, but I’m not as adept as those things.  I started writing stories and poems in elementary school and carried that passion into adulthood.   I didn’t keep everything I wrote, but I have a collection of things I need to organize into something other than scattered notebooks and journals in various hiding places. 

At some point life got in the way and my creativity with words dried up.  There were a few factors, but I went through a very long dry spell.  My mind was consumed with raising a family, and work, and all the busyness that comes in the middle between youthful exuberance and post work re-evaluation of priorities.  At one point my writing became a purge of sadness or frustration or impatience or disillusionment so that even I didn’t want to read it. 

Maybe in my more “advanced” years, I’ve become more observant and introspective.  Or maybe when I quit my job and felt no real focus or direction, it gave my heart and mind an opening to ponder life creatively once again.  The desire and drive to record my thoughts has come back to life.  I recently wrote a poem about this renewal process.  What needs revival in your life? What passion have you put on hold?  Maybe it's time to start watering and fertilizing.

Evergreen

I had so much expectation early on about creative brilliance,

like a sapling that stretches upward and outward to bear foliage.

More branches emerge with each new season,

breaking free of winter’s death with fragrant blossoms,

new shoots growing toward the sunlight, watered by spring’s soft rains.

But summer scorched the tender leaves and dried them on the vines.

Distraction and heat left diligence abandoned until growth ceased.

I thought the young tree had died without chance of revival;

left to its own devices and survival instincts, dormancy won the day.

The natural ebb and flow of months, from deep frost to near drought

did not result in death, but only rest and waiting.

Then one autumn, roots held the needed moisture to look beyond winter

to spring’s renewals and regrowth and hope of becoming.

As the first days of sun’s lengthened rays primed the longing for a

new era of maturation, a determination to live and produce revived.

Passion and creativity have a way of surviving the seasons and years

and find a way to overcome the winds and weeds that threaten to choke.

Now a thriving tree with strong trunk and abundant leaves,

the words pour out like ripened fruit, a harvest’s bounty.

I covenant to water and nurture and protect so it can continue to thrive,

and share the yield so nothing is ever again wasted or lost.

Overcomer Series Episode Two: How to Start a Movement Without Really Trying

You might want to pull up a chair and grab your favorite beverage.  This is a long post because it has a bit of a back story.  But I believe you will be blessed by taking the time to read this one.

I don’t know Rick Clark personally, but I was first “introduced” to him because my daughter works at Gonzaga University and was part of a secret project that involved Mike Rowe and his online series “Returning the Favor”.  If you don’t know who Mike Rowe is, he was the host of a television show called “Dirty Jobs” and produced a number of other projects and has written some books as well.  My favorite is when he reads letters from his parents – hilarious!  Mike’s “Returning the Favor” is a Facebook Watch series that highlights people who do amazing sacrificial things that enhance their communities. He surprises them with all kinds of gifts to help these folks do even more of what they are already doing.  He calls them “local do-gooders”.  Most of the time when I watch the episodes, I end up needing tissues.  All that said, Rick was featured on the series and my daughter got to help Mike and his team make it happen.  It pays to know people because she invited her parents to sit in on the big reveal. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTy-u0LTFw4 

At the reveal, I learned Rick’s story.  He is currently earning his Master’s Degree at Gonzaga.  But not so long ago, he was homeless, living in his car.  When he was in a better place, he did not forget what it meant to not know where he would sleep or what he would eat.  He was prompted to start a non-profit called “Giving Backpacks”, an organization that puts together backpacks filled with essential supplies for compromised people.  “Returning the Favor” came through with over $40,000 of items to help Giving Backpacks do so much more in the community. They also covered Rick’s university tuition to finish his degree in Organizational Leadership.   Giving Backpacks has handed out around 7000 packs, expanding the program to offer other resources like bus passes, gas money and help with utility bills.

Fast Forward to 2020.  Can you say “Covid lockdowns” without cringing?  As the lockdowns in our state went on for months and months, small businesses were struggling to stay open.  Most of us felt helpless to make a huge difference for all these struggling family-owned shops. Not Rick Clark. He had an idea to put an ask on social media for $200 to buy pizzas for a homeless shelter.  It served two purposes: giving a restaurant a boost and helping homeless at the same time.  His appeal raised way more than $200.  A Facebook group called “Spokane Quaranteam” was birthed and through donations from the community, Rick was able to help countless restaurants by dropping off donated funds for meals that community members could pick up for free.  That initial investment would create a wave of business and support for those local restaurants.  Thanks to the effectiveness of social media, big and small donations came in every day. One day brought in nearly $12,000 in donations.  Rick and his wife, Virginia, had a hard time keeping up with tracking and distributing all the funds to so many flailing businesses. 

Since the initial restaurant blitz, Spokane Quaranteam has grown to 34,000 members.  Recently group members donated and arranged for air conditioners during the heat wave and handed out cases of water for anyone who needed it.  Students are being sponsored for meals while they are out of school for the summer. They’ve even taken on donations of cars, fixing them up and giving them to those who have no transportation. When a need is posted in the group, that need is almost always immediately met by someone in the community.  With one small ask for some pizza, Rick has created a movement of people helping people that goes far beyond what Rick could ever do on his own. He’s created a whole network of “local do-gooders”.   

I share this story because Rick isn’t famous, although he does now have some local celebrity here in Eastern Washington.  Rick is just a very humble guy who has a heart for helping people.  He is often overwhelmed by the support from the community that is far beyond what he could hope for.  He leads by example and people follow, not because he’s charismatic or well-known, but because he lives out what he believes in a way that causes people want to join in what he’s doing.  He makes people think about what each of us can be doing to help others in need. He helps us realize that one small act of kindness can change a neighborhood, a city, or a community.  He’s an inspiration to many, and Rick Clark inspires me. 

Being Light

“Everybody has their own way of bringing their light and passion to the table.  Sometimes it’s super heroic and super action-like and sometimes it’s making people laugh or helping people out in your neighborhood. It doesn’t have to be on a massive scale.  What can you do with what’s right in front of you to the best of your ability to make an impact? Maybe it’s a conversation with somebody....... It’s being in tune with yourself where you can say ‘I’m being called to do this’.....  Who knows where that will lead and the ripple effect.”

This quote came from a podcast that I tune into regularly.  It’s one I don’t miss because there are always interesting guests and I often find inspiration and new things to think about.  The podcaster is former “Heartland” actor, producer, writer, photographer Graham Wardle (thank you, Graham, for permission to quote you) and in this episode of his “Time Has Come” podcast he was interviewing another former Heartlander, actress Jessica Amlee (link to the podcast at the bottom of this post).  They covered several fascinating and inspiring topics during the hour long podcast and I had several takeaways as a result, but the idea of “being the light” has resonated with me the past few days. 

Winter here in my neck of the woods is hard because I thrive in long days with lots of hours of light.   It does something to my psyche when it gets to January and we literally have only eight hours of light per day.  If those hours are gray and gloomy, it really does a number on my normally “sunny” outlook.  Light feels so much more hopeful and optimistic.  Needless to say, I’m a summer girl without question. 

So what does light do and why do we need it?  It illuminates.  It shuts out darkness.  It spreads its glow to all the objects (and people) near it.  It helps us see.  It keeps us from stumbling in the dark.  It helps things grow and thrive.  We use it to communicate, navigate, learn and explore. Light is far more than just what we can detect with our eyes. It takes the form of radio waves, microwaves, infrared, ultraviolet, X-rays and gamma rays. It is our most important source of energy. Sunlight warms us, causes weather patterns, allows plants to manufacture oxygen and our food from carbon dioxide and water. Light impacts human health and performance by controlling the body's circadian system, affecting mood and perception, and by enabling critical chemical reactions in the body (lightexhibit.org). 

I love how Scripture talks about being light.  Who can argue with “You are the light of the world.  A city built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.  Instead they put it on a stand and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:14-16)?  I grew up with my mom and grandma teaching me the song, “This Little Light of Mine, I’m Going to Let it Shine” – familiar to any of you? 

So what does it look like to “be the light”? I think the first step requires us to be “light-filled”.  Light, which is normally an external source, has to become internal. It’s coming to an understanding of divine truth and love that causes us to want others to share what we’ve discovered.  It has to do with wanting God’s best for every single human on planet earth.  That’s why the quote at the top of this page resonated deeply with me.  Some will do big things, some small, but all of us can be a source of “light” with those we come in contact with. 

I hope, in some small way, maybe even this little writing project of mine can be a place where light shines. It's what I'm feeling called to do. More and more I know in my heart that I want to be a light in a world that so desperately needs it. "What can you do with what's right in front of you to the best of your ability to make an impact?"  Maybe it starts right here.  

Time Has Come Podcast Episode 014:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcxBluVJ6xg&t=491s

Lions and Tigers and Bears....Oh My!

The other day on Twitter, a friend whom I’ve never met  (can we talk about how strange and yet rewarding it is to have social media friends?  A subject for another blog…..) expressed that she had a major attack of anxiety in her car when she spotted a spider in the passenger seat.  She had to pull over, get out and ask someone else to remove her “passenger”. It prompted a whole thread of people sharing what causes them to flip out when they encounter random things.  Now I am not talking about the big fears like losing a loved one or falling from extreme height;  we’re talking everyday things that have a freak out factor.  As usual it started my brain on a quest to understand what makes us react the way we do.  (I may have been that kid that always asked, “why?”)  In the online discussion, spiders were a common phobia though most of them are harmless. Snakes were also on the list. There were a variety of animals mentioned.  I even responded that two of my phobias are ticks (as in the crawly blood suckers that give you terrible diseases) and bats (which fly into your space bubble randomly at night - rodents should not be able to fly).  The latter could have something to do with the vampire movies I was exposed to in middle school.  I also admit to having a fear of hospitals.  Just walking in those places causes me to break out in a sweat and have a very strong flight response.  There are reasons for that which may be discussed in a future blog post. 

By definition, a phobia is an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something.  Some of you may remember a television show, "Fear Factor",  based on people's phobias. There a three major types of phobias:  social phobia (fear of public speaking, meeting new people, discomfort in social situations), agoraphobia (fear of being outside), and specific phobias (fear of items or situations).  The most common phobias are claustrophobia (fear of enclosed spaces), arachnophobia (fear of spiders), and acrophobia (fear of heights).  I personally like hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia (fear of long words). 

In essence, a phobia is an anxiety disorder and we all have them.  They can produce responses from a simple sense of dread to a complete panic meltdown.  The key word is irrational.  The things we fear almost never actually harm us.  So why do we have phobias? According to the Mayo clinic, many phobias develop as a result of having a negative experience related to a specific object or situation.  Genetics and environment can both play a role, so they are an inherited or learned behavior.  Almost all phobias can be successfully treated and cured through gradual exposure to the object, animal, place or situation that causes fear and anxiety. 

Armed with this scientific information, cozy up to that little eight-legged creature as often as possible!  Personally, the idea of letting a tick crawl on me gives me irrational fear just thinking about it.  For reasons beyond my control, I keep being exposed to hospital settings for good or bad reasons, and it hasn’t really lessened my anxiety about walking into one.  But apparently exposure over the long term is the answer.  Great. 

The fact that these types of fears are irrational doesn’t negate the experience.  Some people are far more fearful than others.  But really, living in fear is detrimental to our overall well-being.  We need to find ways to overcome fear to have peace.  Some people practice breathing techniques, visualization, or talking through it with someone.  Prayer works pretty well for me.  However, I confess that sometimes my prayer sounds like, “Please, please don’t let a tick land on me” when I’m walking in the woods.   Whatever your fear factor, know that you’re not alone. I promise to never make fun of your spider phobia if you let me dive for cover when the bats come out at night. 

More Being, Less Doing

I’ve been a doer my whole life.  I’m a notorious achiever, list-maker, goal oriented accomplisher.  Even when I appear to be resting, my brain is working on new projects or timelines or trip planning.  I don’t like to just sit and watch television or a movie; I’m always multi-tasking.  I love ticking things off of lists and finding new things to add to the lists.  I love learning and am always seeking out new and interesting things to master.  I recently took an online speed-reading course so that I could get through more books faster.  I like things orderly and timely and organized, so I’m constantly looking for ways to make things more efficient.  I guess it’s no surprise that I ended up working in administration.  I also guess it’s no surprise that I am terrible at letting myself rest without feeling like I should be doing a trillion things. 

This new stage of life is confusing to me.  It’s not scheduled or regimented and I’m struggling with which types of things I should take on each day.  I’m trying so hard to learn to just relax and see what each day brings.  I joke with friends that I’m working on being spontaneous.  They probably have no idea I’m serious – it does not come naturally.  Some days I still struggle with feeling a bit lost.

I have come to understand why the recent Covid shutdowns seemed extra hard for me.  There were only so many lists I could make and tasks to accomplish.  I was working from home attempting to keep up with all my regular job description items without access to all my usual tools, and I connected with my coworkers in Zoom meetings and emails.  To say it was frustrating for me was a major understatement.  It all seemed so inefficient.

But I have to credit the lockdown life with being a training ground for me.  I was forced to slow down.  I had to invest in teaching myself to tamp down the noise in my head for chunks of time every day.  I quit watching the daily news. I spent time outside more. I found new music and tuned out the world more often.  I found satisfaction in writing poetry and essays and began journaling again.  I just purchased a new journal that I love and I jot down ideas for this blog or random quotes I want to ponder.  I’m trying to be at peace whether or not I’m not accomplishing whatever to-do list I have made for myself.

I’m still working on turning over the page so that I can fully embrace where I’m at now.  I’m learning to value being instead of just doing.  I’m learning so much about myself and who I want to be in this autumn season of life.  I want to focus on relationships and be available to be a better friend, wife, mom, grandma. I want to find joy in just breathing deeply and letting life happen as it will.  I want to keep practicing getting quiet and bringing energy back in instead of always sending it out.  I want to spend less time telling God what I think I want or need to happen and let Him speak to me.

I’m a work in progress to be sure.  My resolution for 2021 looked like this: More being, less doing.  More listening, less talking.  More integrity, less compromise.  More courage, less concern.  I wrote it on the first page of my new journal and I’m checking in every day.  It may be the first resolution I’ve ever made stick.  So here’s to what remains of 2021, new phases of life, and just being.  Now….off to tackle that to-do list. 

Land of the Free

Our country is turning 225 today.  I promised myself I would not use my blog as a platform for political opinion or controversial topics.  I want it to be something that unites instead of divides.  We have plenty of opportunity to read the kind of writing that divides every moment of every day.  And so I write this post with that original promise to myself in mind. 

Instead, I want to recognize that while our nation is imperfect, not without some major issues, and still figuring out what true freedom looks like and how to manage it, we citizens have much to be thankful for.  Our country is a baby when compared to nations with centuries old histories.  Our founders were idealists and did the best they could to organize things to ensure that they and all who came here in the future could live corporately with individual freedoms. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling pretty free today.  And I’m grateful for all the choices I have about making this day whatever I want it to be.  So I choose to be celebratory that I live where I do.  Let’s keep striving to get better at our independence and ensure that all who live here and come here enjoy the same freedoms we all strive to keep.  Happy birthday, USA!