More Being, Less Doing

I’ve been a doer my whole life.  I’m a notorious achiever, list-maker, goal oriented accomplisher.  Even when I appear to be resting, my brain is working on new projects or timelines or trip planning.  I don’t like to just sit and watch television or a movie; I’m always multi-tasking.  I love ticking things off of lists and finding new things to add to the lists.  I love learning and am always seeking out new and interesting things to master.  I recently took an online speed-reading course so that I could get through more books faster.  I like things orderly and timely and organized, so I’m constantly looking for ways to make things more efficient.  I guess it’s no surprise that I ended up working in administration.  I also guess it’s no surprise that I am terrible at letting myself rest without feeling like I should be doing a trillion things. 

This new stage of life is confusing to me.  It’s not scheduled or regimented and I’m struggling with which types of things I should take on each day.  I’m trying so hard to learn to just relax and see what each day brings.  I joke with friends that I’m working on being spontaneous.  They probably have no idea I’m serious – it does not come naturally.  Some days I still struggle with feeling a bit lost.

I have come to understand why the recent Covid shutdowns seemed extra hard for me.  There were only so many lists I could make and tasks to accomplish.  I was working from home attempting to keep up with all my regular job description items without access to all my usual tools, and I connected with my coworkers in Zoom meetings and emails.  To say it was frustrating for me was a major understatement.  It all seemed so inefficient.

But I have to credit the lockdown life with being a training ground for me.  I was forced to slow down.  I had to invest in teaching myself to tamp down the noise in my head for chunks of time every day.  I quit watching the daily news. I spent time outside more. I found new music and tuned out the world more often.  I found satisfaction in writing poetry and essays and began journaling again.  I just purchased a new journal that I love and I jot down ideas for this blog or random quotes I want to ponder.  I’m trying to be at peace whether or not I’m not accomplishing whatever to-do list I have made for myself.

I’m still working on turning over the page so that I can fully embrace where I’m at now.  I’m learning to value being instead of just doing.  I’m learning so much about myself and who I want to be in this autumn season of life.  I want to focus on relationships and be available to be a better friend, wife, mom, grandma. I want to find joy in just breathing deeply and letting life happen as it will.  I want to keep practicing getting quiet and bringing energy back in instead of always sending it out.  I want to spend less time telling God what I think I want or need to happen and let Him speak to me.

I’m a work in progress to be sure.  My resolution for 2021 looked like this: More being, less doing.  More listening, less talking.  More integrity, less compromise.  More courage, less concern.  I wrote it on the first page of my new journal and I’m checking in every day.  It may be the first resolution I’ve ever made stick.  So here’s to what remains of 2021, new phases of life, and just being.  Now….off to tackle that to-do list.