Love Means Having to Say You're Sorry

Some of you may not be old enough to remember the movie “Love Story”.  I was in Jr. High and saw that movie in a theater and cried buckets of tears as a dying Ali McGraw said to her on screen husband Ryan O’Neal, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

I was quite young and naive at the time or I would have immediately recognized that’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.  I know a few people who have a very hard time saying they are sorry and I can tell you for a fact that if you never learn to apologize, relationships will not go well for you.  Being willing to admit you are wrong and apologizing for it goes a long way toward restoring hard feelings in a marriage, a friendship, or even a casual relationship.  But for some reason beyond what I can understand, some people have a very hard time actually saying it. 

CBS News has a Sunday morning program that I enjoy that is mostly made up of human interest stories.  On a recent episode they did an expose about estranged families.  Stories included people who had had a falling out with a family member which led to a lifelong broken relationship.  One woman had not spoken to her mother for over fifty years and her mom died without ever restoring the relationship.  That’s a whole lot of guilt and regret to carry for the rest of your life.  Things might have been completely different had one of them had been willing to say, “I’m sorry.” 

Now I am well aware that there are people who apologize when it’s not even appropriate.  For them, it’s not about admitting wrong, but just “fixing” things.  I have been guilty of this at times. I have found myself apologizing when I did nothing wrong just to avoid drama.  Perhaps it makes more sense to say, “I am sorry you are feeling that way” or “I’m sorry if what I said hurt your feelings”, but that’s not dying on a sword that you did something wrong.  It’s just acknowledging another’s response. 

We all blow it.  Sometimes we blow it big time.  Sometimes we need to apologize.  Sometimes we say or do things in anger or selfishness or humanness.  Sometimes we react before we process.  We need to take a deep breath, admit we blew it, and apologize.  Almost always, being honestly apologetic remedies a lot of hurt.  Being unwilling to do so elicits a defense response that doesn’t help soften or restore anything. 

We shouldn’t have to apologize for who we are or what we believe or for setting boundaries. Sometimes someone being offended isn’t because we have done a wrong to them, but because their beliefs or expectations are different than ours.  That’s on them.  But us expressing our beliefs should not be unkind or belittling or hateful.  Healthy discussion about differences should not end in the need for apology. 

I’m no relationship expert, but it seems to make sense to learn to accept responsibility when you overreact, or say something unkind, or hurt someone with words. A genuine “I’m so sorry” goes a long way toward rebuilding, restoring, restarting. Ultimately there’s no guarantee it will solve every impasse. But if the relationship matters, restoration is what we all want, right?  Love means be willing to say you’re sorry.  Sorry Ali McGraw, you got this one all wrong.